Monday, February 26, 2007

In which I pull out the "unrehearsed" acceptance speech

Nora and I watched the Oscars together last night. She was mesmerized by the sparkly clothes and bright lights. I was mesmerized by the sparkly clothes and bright lights. We made a good pair. Nora also clinched the Most Adorable Baby on the Planet title by demonstrating her new clapping skills whenever she saw the audience applauding another award. Cuteness with a capital Q I tell you.

Nora also agreed with me that Meryl Streep looked a little silly in her Prada trenchcoat and gypsy beads, we being uniquely qualified as fashion judges since we spent the day hanging out in plaid pajama bottoms and hand-me-downs from big brothers, respectively. Thank goodness, unlike Meryl, our sense of style has not been clouded by a lifetime of critical acclaim and 14 Oscar nominations.

I’m not sure why I get a kick out of watching the Oscars. Maybe it dates back to the days when my older brother Scott would rent a tux and host his Oscar party every year so we could make our own nominations for “Least Dressed” and “Outfit Most Resembling a Bathrobe” awards. Maybe it’s because even while I arrogantly pretend to be above the celebrity-worshiping, National-Enquirer-buying percentage of the population, I secretly find myself caught up in the spell of the Beautiful People. I admire them and despise them. I wonder what their lives are really like. I aspire to their slenderness and sophistication. I even sympathize with the fact that their lives have no sense of privacy or normalcy (whatever that means) almost as much as I resent them for having nannies and personal trainers and private chefs and never having to ask themselves those really hard parenting questions like, “Is my child truly sick enough to merit the $20 copay or should we wait for her ears to start bleeding before jumping to any conclusions?”

Andy Warhol, in his Marilyn silkscreens, captured the “incredibly familiar yet totally exotic” quality of the star personality. I see Marilyn and think I recognize her. But I never knew her. I wonder if she even knew herself. Warhol wrote, “I love Hollywood. They’re beautiful. Everybody’s plastic.” And I presume he meant that figuratively although if you include collagen and silicone in the definition of plastic, you could take it literally as well.

Warhol was also the one who said that “in the future everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.” And see, thanks to my blog, I have hit the mark already. I even have a Google ranking that sends my blog to the top of the query list whenever someone types “crapbooking” or “pee smells like tuna.” If that’s not world-famous I don’t know what is.

And speaking of my blogging self, this is officially my 100th post (or as Gabie would call it, my ten-tieth post). There’s likely some blog-protocol I’m supposed to follow (Do I put together a retrospective slideshow accompanied by “If I could save time in a bottle”? Do I send out flowers to my readers? Do I take myself out to lunch and present myself with a cheap watch?) But, alas, I’m only slightly less clueless about the blogging world than when I started several months ago, so I’m just going to do a little happy dance with my feet as I continue to type and call it good.

Okay, I confess, I did prepare a little speech just in case. I have it tucked inside my Dolce and Gabbana gown. Ah, here it is….

I'd first like to thank the Academy. I’d also like to thank my incredible family for their support. Even though they don’t comment very often, I know they are loyal readers (and not just because they suspect I will say something frightening about them, although sometimes I’m sorely tempted just to see who’s paying attention). I’m thankful to my old friends who visit and my new friends whom I’ve met since I started this strange venture. I never knew how having an audience would transform my writing so dramatically. I am honored that you spend your valuable time reading what I have to say and then spend even more time posting a comment to let me know you’ve been here. Oh how I look forward to your comments, which make me feel like a celebrity and are often more lucid and amusing than my original posts. I’d like to thank my 10th grade teacher Mrs. Bestor for…… *cue loud music from the orchestra pit* ….. but wait! I’m not done yet! I haven’t even told my kids to get to bed..... *giant hook comes out from side of stage and pulls me off, still shouting “thank you! thank you all!”…..*cut to commercial*


Kimberly said...

I think you're supposed to do a 100 Things About Me post. I've got about 30 posts to go but I've already started mine.

This is deeply symbolic of just how much time I have on my hands.

And as one of your many adoring fans I just have to say; you funny!

You're more than that, though. You're witty, insightful, thought-provoking, and real. I think the last one trumps them all.

Don't forget us little people as you rocket up the success ladder to fame and fortune.

I'd best stop before my comment becomes longer than your post.

Heth said...

I think this post would have been a whole lot more touching if “If I could save time in a bottle” was playing in the background. Don't you know anything about 100th post posts? *grin*

I missed the Oscars. I didn't know anything about any of the movies so I figured I would be a poser if I watched. Great speech by the way.

An Ordinary Mom said...

Since you have a national "enquiring" mind I thought you might like to file away a useless fact that might come in handy some day when you are creating your 457th post ... Marilyn Monroe went to my Junior High School and High School. I will now take my bow, thank you, thank you ... unfortunately I think that is as close to my 15 minutes of fame that I will ever get.

Congrats on the 100th post! As much as I like reading 100 things about people for their 100th post, I also find it refreshing to see other people do something different. I posted an "I Am" poem just for the occasion. I can't believe how quickly we published so many entries. We must have a little too much time on our hands or we are a little to addicted to the keyboard and the comments that follow :) !!

Now I best end before my comment is twice the length of Kim's! I look forward to reading your next 100 blogs.

Jane said...

I think you an Nora are absolutely right! Please Meryl get ye a sylist even if for just one night!

Congrats on the 100th post!

Mary-LUE said...

Well, I think a 100th post is the perfect occasion to delurk here. I've been poking around for a couple of weeks after noticing your interesting blog name over at Em's place (Three times Three). I was first attracted because the name was reminiscent of tesseract and being a rabid L'Engle fan I had to check it out. Now, I've learned a little something about mosaic (which I'm dying to try some day) and have found a blog which includes discussion of arty things. How fun for me!

Congratulations on your 100th post.

ruth said...

Congratulations on your 100th post. I loved the Gabie-isms too, by the way.

Erika said...

“Is my child truly sick enough to merit the $20 copay or should we wait for her ears to start bleeding before jumping to any conclusions?” Amen to that! And congratulations on your 100th!

Irritable Mother said...

Funny, as I was grocery shopping yesterday I wondered, "Do 'famous' people go grocery shopping? Do they cook? Do they clean?" Your toughts about what their lives are really like reminded me about my wonderings.
But, alas, they ultimately are just like us, aren't they? They get colds and blemishes. They have to take time each day to sleep. They are people created by God, just like us, right? Yeah, but wouldn't it be fun to experience the nanny or the private chef just once???

Congrats on your 100th post. I had no idea you were "supposed" to do something special for your 100th post. I wonder how many posts I've written. I don't think I'm near 100. Uh, I don't know. I think I'll go count!

Radioactive Jam said...

Your ten-tieth post & Oscar slash awards connection is pure genius.

That's one of the reasons I voted for you.

Radioactive Jam said...

Also - I forgot, having been mentally swept away by your acceptance speech - I feel something akin to envy for your "pee smells like tuna" Google mojo.

I'm just saying is all.

allysha said...

Congratulations! Here's to the next 100!

Stephanie said...

Congrats on your ten-tieth! Here's to many more to come!

Goslyn said...

What a fabulous way to ring in 100 posts. Congrats!

(And I, too, live for comments. Not that I get too many, but still.)

compulsive writer said...


(My 100 came and went. I guess I need to read up on blog protocol or something.)

Thanks for "coming out" about your thoughts on Hollywood. I feel much the same, yet I'm all too happy to spend my obligatory 20-minute wait after allergy shots thumbing through the lastest issue of "People."

As for comments: What an interesting juxtaposition in this post. Whenever I get a good response to one of my posts I feel all Sally Fields, "You like me! You really like me!"

Andrea said...

Love your posts and can't wait to read 100 more. Congrats on becoming so famous. lol.

La bruja said...

100 posts is cool. Cool enough that I even decided to stop lurking.
Apparently most people agreed with your loathing of Meryl Streep's outfit since it made almost everyone's worst dressed list.
I remember Scott's oscar parties too. Some of my favorite awards were: the least stable dress, the most tuxedo-like dress, the most creative use of an awareness ribbon, and of course, the ever-popular "oops I forgot to put my dress on and came in just my slip" award.

scribbit said...

So sorry I've disappeared the last few days. I've been treading water over here.

I missed the Oscars but as I only watch for the clothes it was easy to catch the synopsis the day after.

What can you say about an even that passes up Cars for Happy Feet?

The Lazy Organizer said...

Congratulations and don't ever think of leaving us!

I will soon be celebrating my 400th post. How sad is that!

freeflycoco said...

Very proud.
I actually have commented on a few of your blogs, but you know me, it's always a week or two later. You have turned me into a loyal reader. Thanks.

Mom said...

Way to go! I hope I haven't missed any posts.
I remember well the "Oscar parties" in the basement. They were much more entertainimg than the Oscars.
I was going to get a google ID but the computer is hating me tonight and won't even let me log into my own email (Sigh...) and just when I was overcoming my fear of PC's.