Thirteen things that really scare me

In honor of the Halloween season, the appropriately numbered (for the superstitiously inclined anyway) Thursday 13 meme, and the recent return of The Scream to the Munch Museum, I present:

Thirteen things that really scare me

1. The fact that The Scream was stolen in the first place. In broad daylight. By two scrawny guys who lifted the painting off the wall and walked out the door with it. Is nothing safe these days? Next thing you know they’ll be using a flat bed truck and a crane to swipe a 2-ton Henry Moore sculpture. Oh wait, that's been done already.


2. My boys are fearless. This scares me. I have tried my best to instill in them a healthy mix of timidity, paranoia, and the phobias that have served me well, but they insist on facing life with childish exuberance and daring. Where have I gone wrong?

3. You want to know what truly scares the b’geebers out of me? Two words: SECOND MORTGAGE.

4. Oh, and three more words: VARIABLE INTEREST RATE. See, my heart is pounding just from typing it.

5. Black cats. Slinking away from our sandbox. With guilty expressions on their little whiskered faces.

6. Go right ahead and skate your fingernails all over the chalkboard. What really makes my skin scrawl is the unmistakable sound of a giant box of Lego being dumped out onto the carpet.

7. My little baby sister likes to B.A.S.E. jump for fun (and I suspect B.A.S.E. stands for Barreling off Any Stupidly-high Elevation). Her favorites are bridges and 3,000 foot high cliffs in Norway. I’m afraid that one of these days her parachute may not open. I’m afraid that the crazy gene might run in the family. And now I’m afraid that when she’s done with law school next spring she’ll sue me for libel. I love you Anne! *big hug*

[*EEEEK!* I just did a search to see how high the cliffs in Norway really are and the first dozen Google entries are about how the pioneer of B.A.S.E. jumping died this week jumping off a bridge. Are you listening Anne?]

8. It’s entirely possible that J.K. Rowling could be hit by a bus before completing the last book in the series. And then we’ll never know what happens to Harry. (cue loud suspenseful chords)

9. Strains of bacteria are becoming increasingly immune to antibiotics.

10. My 4 year old is becoming increasingly immune to threats of “I’m gonna count to five…”

11. I have been driving a car for 20 years. Why do I still get nervous when I have to merge onto the freeway? How ridiculous is that? I mean how scary could it be to thread a lethal hunk of steel on wheels in between other lethal hunks of steel while accelerating to a speed of 65 miles per hour? Piece of cake you big wuss.

12. I can save up food storage and 72-hour kits for a catastrophe, practice family fire drills, teach my kids to fear strangers, and smear on the sunscreen. But what about those perils too big and too random for me to control? Global warming, drunk drivers, school shootings, international terrorism, packaged spinach – to me, these are the scariest things of all. Unfortunately, my parenting strategy of choice (never let them leave the house™) has been vetoed by my husband. Darn pragmatist.

13. What if my writing sucks? What if tomorrow I can’t think of anything to write about? (You’re only as good as your last blog you know.) What if I’m not nearly as funny as I think I am and what if the people who say nice things on my blog just do it because I visited their blog and now they feel obligated? How come my family members never post comments anymore? Are they embarrassed by / for me? What if *gasp* I have an annoying tendency to get…way…too…DRAMATIC?!!! *pant pant*

Excuse me. I think I need to go breathe into a paper bag.


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Tags: scary things, Munch’s scream, motherhood, Thursday thirteen