Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The second day of January

It’s time for another thrilling installment of THIS DAY IN HISTORY…istory….istory.

On January 2, 1590, Spain's King Phillip II devised a new form of torture for insurrectionists and heretics. After two weeks of allowing all his courtiers and royal subjects to stay up late, sleep in, and hang out in their pajamas all day doing nothing but reading and playing computer games 16th century pebble-tossing games, Phillip arose early, yanked everyone out of bed before the sunrise, forced them to eat Frosted Flakes, put them in scratchy new pants, and marched them off to be chained to the racks at the local public school. All of this he did while threatening severe penalties (such as loss of pebble-tossing privileges) for any and all whiners because he was in a bad mood, having given up sugar the day before. And thus the Spanish Inquisition was born.

“A Sonnet in which I use Extra Syllables and Completely Cheat on the Rhyme Scheme Because I’m Grouchy” by Julie Barrett Browning

How do I hate thee January? Let me count the ways.
I hate thee to the depth of my frozen toes and finger tips
And the breadth of my Christmas-fudge hips
And height of the stack of bills we have to pay.
I hate thee for thy plethora of manipulative ads
That exploit our new goals to be fit and thin
To have everything organized into its proper, color-coordinated, fabric-lined, organic wicker bin
As if health and order were merely passing fads.
I’m already cold and tired and craving more light
And we still have three interminable months to go -
Eighty-eight more gloomy days and frigid nights
Before the thaw begins to crack the status quo snow. So,
Since that really is simply too long to wait,
Please just wake me up in April. I’m going to hibernate.


Anonymous said...

That. Was. AWESOME!
Also, "status quo snow so" makes a decent tongue-twister. Better than a frozen flagpole, anyway.

But I think public school racks aren't near as demanding as parochial schools, hmm? Inquisitive minds want to know.

Anonymous said...

You never cease to amuse me! Your sonnet made me laugh out loud - I loved the "craving more light" and the "eighty eight more gloomy days." That is exactly how I felt this morning when I woke up and found it so dark and dreary.

I am impressed, I don't think I could ever completely give up sugar. Cut down, yes, but not give it up. I guess that is why I work out at the gym. Good luck!

Julie said...

I originally had "slow staus quo snow so" but I didn't want to sound too silly or anything.

Public school racks are more crowded and use outdated implements of torture.

Ordinary Mom
I'm impressed with anyone who can do sugar in moderation. But it's a drug to me and I do better if I can just get it out of my system. I'm currently in detox mode so I'll keep you posted on my progress.

allysha said...

Well, Julie, I'm a little sad we won't get to hear from you until April, but if that's what you need to do, I support you.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha ha. I love it. Love it. Is there room in the hibernation den for one more? I could use about 3 months of sleep. Straight.

Kimberly said...

In the midst of my hilarity I must pause to reflect on the brilliance of the poem. Beautifully crafted!

Wish I had your way with words. And I must say that you're not allowed to hibernate, as that's only allowed for dull forest creatures, etc...

Don't hide that light under a bushel! Or in a cave either, for that matter...

Anonymous said...

How's the detox progressing? And make room for me, I'm going to join the hibernation crowd too.